Sat, 04 Feb 2006 06:36:06 GMT

Don't worry, It isn't about traditions. Red, I'm being extreme.

Ludwig wants to have a wedding super bad. It is really important to him. He wants to have the memories of having a wedding.

I'm not happy about it. This isn't fun. The other night Ludwig and I were talking in bed about the wedding. We were talking about how it would go. So I tried to explain why I don't like the idea of this wedding at all.

1. As explained over and over again lately in my lj posts, I'm completely unlikeable. Combigning that with the misconceptions about my family and my own morality because of them has created a huge problem. When all is said and done 80% of the people coming love Ludwig but me. 20% of the people coming are either indifferent to me or like me. That really hurts. It is hard for me to be around Ludwig's family members who hate me at Christmas/other holidays. At least then, I don't have to deal with my family at the same time. And then there are the other people, who I barely know but are inviting for Ludwig's happiness. For most of the people at the wedding, including me, it is "Woo hoo, Ludwig is getting married." but not so much "Woo hoo, Ludwig is marrying MC." That hurts.

2. Someone told me "it doesn't matter how big you are, you find the right dress, it won't matter." Can I just say (sorry ludwig's sister) I think that's crap. I don't even try on clothes that are my size in a store, I don't own a full lenght mirror and I never look at myself in the mirror when I get ready. I don't even reccoginize myself anymore. Last time I went shopping I cried the entire time. They don't even carry dresses half my size so I have to stand half naked with my back fat hanging out in a sea of mirrors trying to figure out if my dress is "the one". Not only that but they didn't want to let me try on the dress myself so they wanted to see me half naked. I told them to buzz off. Fuck them.

I don't believe in the magical power of wedding dresses.All the sudden I won't notice my tripple chin, the ripple under my arm, the rolls that I have, suuuure. Most fat girls look fat in their wedding dresses. The idea of being paraded, trying to look pretty but feeling like an ass because I KNOW THAT I'M REALLY FAT. I can't stand when people lie to me and everyone will come up and say "oh, you look so pretty." when what they are really thinking is, WHY IS SHE WEARING WHITE or ACK. They will probably say, she looks so fat, to themselves that is. They will say, grose. Because if I think that about myself, why wouldn't they?

I'm so fat, if I don't wear pants, my thighs chafe. That's right, I get fat rash. Because I'M fat.
We are getting married on the beach so I don't really want to wear nylons.

This sounds like body image issues I know. It really isn't. I know what I look like, I'm really fucking fat. I'm fatter than the people on "the biggest loser." I'm a god damned cow.

3. I don't like having my picture taken. I can't avoid a million shots being taken of me that day. I can't even look at a camera without realizing how fat I am. I want nothing to do with a camera. I am going to wear a black and white bloched dress so that people can be free to say I look like a cow without insulting me.

Then there is the "family" pictures with those who hate me. That sounds so fun, pretending to like it, smiling our fake smiles, when they are thinking "well, shit, Ludwig could have done so much better." or "Why am I taking these pictures with MC, what a waste of time, she doesn't love me enough." It makes me sad.

4. Makeup. I don't wear it in real life. I'm supposed to wear it that day. I'll probably look like a clown and feel like a girl playing dress up in her mother's dress. My second chin isn't the color of my face and no matter what makeup I put on it just makes my second chin stick out more. There are few things more embarassing for me than lipstick.

5. I can't cry about the wedding for 1 1/2 years becuase I hate it does not lead me to believe that day I will be overjoyed. I believe, because it is hard for me to let go emotionally, that I won't have a good time. I'll probably end up in my bathtub crying in my stupid dress, mascara running, water stains on my dress. I cry every time I think about it. I have a minor panic attack.

6. I don't want to hear "Now you are part of the family." I don't believe weddings make anyone my family. I have a family, thank you, I know they are crapy but they are mine. I don't want a replacment. My family sucks big time but I believe that I'm empanthic to the hurt of other people because of them. I'm happy to know you, to get along with you, to have fun with you, maybe even to get close with you but I don't believe that marriage makes you family and I don't want someone to lie and tell me they see me now as family when they don't. Especially when I know the only reason you are saying that is because we are married or that you are trying to replace my family.

7. Everyone is supposed to be happy, but me. Yeah, that ticks me off.

8. I can't say no because I don't want to break Ludwig's heart. So, because I wanted a tax break and suggested that we get married (not all this shit), I'm stuck. I hate the idea of being stuck. I feel so helpless.

9. Ludwig isn't helping plan the wedding. He thinks that one day a week is enough for wedding planning. He said "well there is flowers, dessert, food, ceramony, etc" but he doesn't understand that each of those simple seeming decisions is actually 50 decisions or 100 decisions. What I really want to happen is Ludwig do everything, including my dress, makeup, hair, etc as well as everything else. I never want to think about the wedding again. I just want to get it over with.

I give up.

I feel completely lost!

jeniandkevin